What the heck am I doing here as Starfire? I already have two blogs and keeping them vital is exhausting… and I’m starting a new one? Am I crazy?
I need a place to blow off steam where I don’t worry about SEO or the best way to market my book or my art or how many followers I have or if anyone actually reads anything I write. And lots of times I’m an emotional mess and I’d like to talk about it without then having to see the bright side (both of my other blogs are feel-good, bright side of life kinds of blogs).
I’m embarking on a year of art journaling which will be art therapy and that can get pretty messy… and it SHOULD get messy… I need to allow myself freedom to feel whatever I’m feeling without judgement. And I want to talk about things that aren’t mainstream…
The nitty-gritty about me:
- I’m bipolar with attendant social anxiety. I am on the depressive side of manic-depression. I’ve taken medication for 19 years… religiously.
- I am 59 years old… 2 grown sons born 12 years apart to the day (the second one in the backseat of a car). I have 1 daughter-in-law and 1 grand-daughter.
- I am an artist. I have my BFA in Studio Arts from Wilkes-University in Pa. I majored in ceramics with a second focus in 2D design. I did nothing with my degree until the past few years. I was an administrative analyst for my day job for years and years.
- I became a widow in 2006. I was the major bread-winner for many years with my first husband and then a single working mom until 2012 when my youngest graduated high school. My late husband was a spendthrift and I had nightmares for years that he was still alive and had access to my checking account, credit cards and retirement fund. I still have dreams where I have to tell him to leave because he’s dead.
- I married the love of my life in 2012 – we met online on Chemistry.com… the story is here. We are both retired (ok he still works as a consultant 5-30 hrs. a week) and live on a 22 acre ranch in McCall, Id and a motor home wherever it takes us (now Bakersfield, Ca).
- I had my left hip replaced in 2013 (osteoarthritis). All is good with that! You’d never know anything was wrong now.
- However, a year ago my lower back started to bother me and now I have chronic pain again and I’m tired of it. I decided to delve inward to see what some of the causative emotional factors might be for this repeat of chronic joint pain. Check out Louise Hay…
- I follow the teachings of Abraham-Hicks. I’ve studied with Jean Houston. I believe in the Law of Attraction. I believe in fairies, and the conscious energy of all organic beings on this planet. I can feel that energy. I reverently listen to the Dalai Lama. I talk to my inner child, goddess archetypes and even Archangels when the energy is right.
- I am an empath which means I feel others’ energy/emotion as if it were mine… unless I learn not to and get rid of the gunk I’m already carrying. Going to Disneyland is overwhelming, going to Wal-Mart is painful, being totally by myself (with the exception of animals) is regenerating. Being in nature is cleansing bliss. I’m working to get a handle on all of this. I’m reading the work of Dr. Micheal Smith now.
- I’ve had an eating disorder since I was a teenager. At that time it manifested as bulimia. When I was treated for my bipolar, the eating disorder subsided. However, until last year I still had an on again off again horrible body image and almost everything I ate or drank that wasn’t in my “ok” range gave me guilt. This past year I’ve consciously chosen to let my body be itself… no dieting or berating it for being what I considered ‘overweight’. I am within the range of healthy for my age. It is a struggle but it’s now or never… time to get to the bottom of it (big bottom no less, giggle). I’ve bought clothes I feel sassy and comfy in so I am less likely to have an excuse to hate my body. Most days and weeks lately I’ve been ok with my body.. in fact the other night I dreamed I was going around naked and it didn’t bother me at all! Huge strides.
If ANY of the above resonates with you, I urge you to keep reading my blog.
I want to be honest and forthright about my emotional, physical and spiritual recovery in these pages/posts. I’d love to have you comment, but I’m absolutely ok with you just listening. These words are first for me. As I learn to love all of me, I can’t help but love all of you. (PS… feel free to email me through the Contact Me tab above.)
And hey! It’s the year of the Red Fire Monkey… I was born during a Red Fire Monkey year so I have come full circle. All the odds are in my favor to have a terrific and transformative 2016.
Oh, and I reserve the right to be totally confusing in this blog. Comments are for asking questions and having discussions right?